Control

We are half way through the 2022! Can you believe it? I know that it feels like the time has flew by so fast. Before we know it, Christmas will be back. For some people, they do Christmas in July. I actually like this concept though (Christmas in July). It allows you to feel the joy of Christmastime without all of the mass commercialism of it all. I can see the appeal of a hot Christmas. LOL! This month as I try to determine exactly what I want to blog about I wanted to try to keep it light, but that is really hard to to when there are so many world problems that are weighing heavy right now. Self-care has been really paramount for me lately because of all of the outside peril. It is hard to focus on self-care when all you hear about is wars in other countries, gun violence in America, and now, less freedoms for women in certain American States. It is in times like these that I find it necessary to focus on the things that I can control instead of the things that I cannot control. This is not an easy task to do, because some people have different “locus of control” that is built within them. This means that some people have an external locus of control, and some people have an internal locus of control. When you have an external locus of control, this means that you generally feel like external factors dictate your life, successes, failures, etc. Examples of external factors could be your belief in God that brings you blessings, or that you are lucky because you found a four-leaf clover, or in a more extreme case, that the system is biased toward women; therefore, as a woman you don’t have any control at all. On the other hand, internal locus of control means that you generally have a sense of control over your life, successes, failures, etc. Examples of internal locus of control could be that you believe in God; however, you realize that “faith without works is dead,” so you control “your works,” and ultimately reap the benefits of your hard work because you had faith in yourself, what you were doing, and in God collectively. In my extreme example above, a woman with an internal locus of control will believe that she will always have agency and power over herself, and will use the power of her voice and vote to change the systems that are biased. Most people are not on the extreme ends of these loci of control. Think of this on a spectrum of control. When I am driving down the street, I know that I cannot control the way other people drive; however, I can control how I drive. While this is a very simplistic answer, it shows you how I can think externally and internally in the same situation. We are not honoring ourselves when we don’t recognize how we decide to approach our own decisions, or understand how our decision making process was formed. In this whole drama with the reversal of Roe vs Wade in America, I had to really look at my emotional turmoil about it, and honor the reasons why I felt this way. While I absolutely still hold grief for decisions past that surround abortion, I also hold realizations of the life that I have now because of those decisions that I was able to make in those times. You can feel/hold two or more emotions simultaneously. Abortion is trauma, there is no doubt in that fact. The process alone is traumatic to the body, not even mentioning the emotional toil it takes on the individual that made the decision. I could torment myself by asking why, and what if, and even sit in my grief for hours, but I must ask myself, how does that serve me as an individual? As an adult woman, my emotional awareness allows me to honor, forgive, and even thank the teenager/young adult that made those decisions back then, as my life would be extremely different if those decisions were different. The one thing about my locus of control, I also recognize that I cannot change/control the past. This does not mean that I don’t have moments of grief when I think about those past decisions and reasons behind them. I have to allow the tears to flow (if that is the case), recognize the pain that I feel and why I feel that pain., but not stay there. I try to not allow my emotional awareness to overshadow my locus of control and vice versa. If I just allow them both to be, I have discovered that I can get through any storm that life throws at me. So when life seems to be too difficult, check two things: 1. How am I viewing this situation in terms of how I control it, and 2. How am I emotionally managing this situation that serves me best? While these two questions seem simplistic enough, trauma reactions, lack of emotional awareness, and untreated mental health challenges will complicate the answers. Trauma Recovery Coaching can help unpack some of this, and help you focus on your present goals without the trauma blocking your true thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Book your discovery call today: innerbeauty@dovesinnerbeauty.com.