September went by too fast. Yesterday, we celebrated my only son’s 6th birthday, and it was a success. I shed tears of joy just by seeing him grow up so fast. I actually shed tears of joy more than once this month. As I continue to grow I recognize that tears can come for more reasons than just sadness. I have noticed that most people shy away from crying as though it is a weakness and something that should be done alone. The more I learn about emotions, the more I disagree and have to “un-learn” this sentiment. In doing a little google research (lol), I searched, what do tears indicate. WebMd was the first search result, and I love what it had to say (for the most part). It stated, “They communicate your emotions to others.” I love that idea; however, the problem with it is that when most people see someone crying they automatically identify it with sadness or anger, instead of any strong emotion or feeling. As humans, when we cry it only proves that we are experiencing a strong emotion. I can also cry when I experience joy, extreme compassion for others, and love, just to name a few emotions that we don’t always associate with crying. It is interesting to me though that we openly accept men crying at weddings, but don’t want men to cry at any other emotion in life. Men are supposedly only supposed to cry when they are madly in love, but it is not acceptable when they are extremely upset??? I find this problematic. Interestingly enough, as a society we accept when women cry, but when around other women we promote that other women stop crying and to “be strong.” Why are tears only acceptable in certain social situations, such as funerals and weddings. In my youth I remember crying in limited situations, and each time, I was told by someone to stop crying, in an effort to be strong, and not show weaknesses. I can recall a point in life telling others to not cry because the woman was “stronger than that.” I shake my head at sentiment like that now. We teach young boys to not cry, or tell them that are being “dramatic” when they cry, but how is that helping them understand and process their emotions for when they become adults? I’ve spoken about this before in previous blogs, and the reality is that it is all stigma related to mental health. In the article that I referenced earlier from WebMd it also stated that “emotional tears make you more vulnerable…” And there it is. The other reason (other than stigma) that people tell others not to cry. Vulnerability is the issue. Synonyms of vulnerability include unsafe, at risk, and in danger. And who volunteers to put themselves at risk just to let out some tears. And this is where we have to start reframing the idea of crying. We accept tears at funerals and weddings because we are around those that we love and care about, and know that we will not be judged based off these tears. There is confidence not vulnerability in those spaces. Why don’t we transfer this confidence when we are working with our children, when we are in our homes, when we are eating out at restaurants with those we love and/or care about in this life? I guess because we are not always out in public with those we feel safe? We want to teach our children strength for when they are out with strangers in this world? We spend so much time preparing for the worse in life, that we miss the opportunities to teach healthy emotions, and the opportunities to reduce the stigma of mental health care. We are all a product of the people that raised us, our experiences, and our environments. We contribute to the stigma when we don’t recognize how we don’t allow others to express their emotions, in whatever why is necessary for them. Are we teaching healthy emotions to our loved ones? Do we understand that our parents only knew what they knew, and subscribed to a way of life that was given to them instead of created by them due to history. We are in a world now where once we know better, we need to do better. Ask yourself: Are you creating a safe or vulnerable safe for emotions in your house? Are we teaching how to differentiate when it is safe to cry verses when it isn’t safe, instead of not crying at all? Are we teaching our youth and each other to not fear our strong emotions, but to be aware of how we react to those emotions? Do we allow our anger to teach us about boundaries that we need to set with others, instead of reacting in aggressive behavior toward others? Can we notice our emotions separate from our reactions to those emotions? While I recognize that some of these questions are difficult to answer, they are important to each of our mental health, and to the future of mental health care in our society. These are the types of questions that are asked in Trauma Recovery Coaching to help understand how our trauma has impacted our emotions and our emotional reactions. Contact me for a free discovery call to learn more about it. Until the end of next month! See you then!

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