Revelations of Sickness

Being sick sucks! Not that I have to actually type it because I am not sure that anyone wants to be sick (unless they want some days off unable to function). I had some personal revelations from this last sick spell in my life. I had the flu with acute bronchitis. I could barely breathe, let alone function to type this blog. Being on a journey of healing from my past traumas, one of the first steps for me in that process was to just notice my emotions, all of them. Once you can recognize what you are feeling, you can then tailor your reaction. Anyone that knows me over time, then they may say that I am a “big baby,” when I am sick. I would be considered a “terrible patient.” While I was sick this time, I finally realized why.

As I was getting sicker by the minute and waiting until I could get to the doctor’s office I began to notice all of the feelings in my body. My hands were tingling, as though I was losing feeling in them, I was incredibly weak (couldn’t walk), my breathing was heavy yet shallow, and my body temperature was unstable. In the midst of these physical symptoms my nervous system went into hyperdrive. Thus, my emotions were all over the place, particularly in a place of fear for my life. My thoughts and emotions immediately went to catastrophizing the situation and my instant belief that I was going to die. From this belief it spiraled into a full blown panic attack, which of course wasn’t making anything better. And in a moment, I realized that my ruminating thoughts of death were the true problem, not what my body was trying to tell me was wrong with me. This changed my entire trajectory of my illness. In the midst of my panic attack, I was in shock because I didn’t think that I ever had a panic attack, but I can think of many times being sick and experiencing the same feelings and emotions (just never called it a panic attack). When I realized that I had the power to stop it, that was a moment I will never forget. Immediately, I sat down and started listening to my body, instead of mind. I allowed myself to feel the tingle in my hands, which ultimately felt like energy instead of losing any sort of feeling. I noticed that my body began to rock naturally back and forth and from side to side to help soothe and comfort me. I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I had to have a chat with my inner child to let her know that I was present and able to handle our care. It was beautiful moment of calm that I never thought I could have when I am sick. I stopped being the patient from hell, and only requested what I needed instead of whining about my experience of pain and sickness.

Now I didn’t write any of this to tell anyone to stop whining about sick. That was not the point at all, so I hope that is not what you are getting out of this blog discussion. I hope that you get that you have the power to direct your emotions when they are going astray. Sometimes you need to sit still and listen to your body and what all it is saying to you. The obvious is that I was sick and it was fighting on my behalf, but it needed my help. Adding a panic attack from an emotional standpoint wasn’t helping my body cure itself. I needed to regain control of my mental so that my physical could regulate. Once I aware, I could stop the ruminating thoughts of death, control my breathing technique, and allow my inner child to rock so that she felt soothed and comforted. I was able to get to the doctor, understand what my body was fighting internally, and how medicine was going to help me recover. I recall hearing my diagnosis, and almost going back into panic attack mode. Since I had already noticed that pattern I was able to stop it, and redirect my mental thoughts to getting healthy instead of sickness. I guess that is what they mean by the power of positive psychology. As I continue to recover, I am thankful for this trauma recovery process. While this worked for me, it may not work for everyone. I do challenge you to notice. Take the steps to feel how your body feels, and then take inventory of your emotional state. Do you feel like you have control? Is your nervous system taking charge of your mental state? Take some deep breaths. Ground yourself. Don’t be afraid to listen inwardly. If you need a partner to help in this process, a Trauma Recovery Coach can help. Ask me how!