When thinking about what I was going to write about for this month, so many themes emerged in my mind. I decided to write about boundaries as they relate to women, since March is Woman’s History Month. Boundaries came up heavy for me as I navigated work and family life last month. In thinking about how I would relate boundaries to woman it became obvious to me that this is such an important topic that needs to be addressed. As a woman it is easy to watch a movie and see how a woman’s boundaries are crossed by a man that she is dating. I could name five movies right now from old to new that have that type of theme (What’s Love Got To Do With It, The Color Purple, Dreamgirls, Woman Thou Art Loosed, and Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman - I named all of these without even blinking, and I bet you could name 5 more - hit them in the comment section). I don’t want to talk about boundaries being crossed in a relationship with man in this post for this occasion. For this post, I want to focus on how we go about our day and allow other women to cross boundaries with us, then we “feel some type of way,” and only take it as anger or hate toward that woman instead of what it really is, which is probably some sort of trauma response to a boundary being crossed, and we need to check our own boundaries instead of being mad at another woman. Let me give you an example (cause I bet that was confusing): So let’s say your immediate supervisor is a woman. She tells you that she needs you to get x, y, and z done before the end of the day today. You only have the mental bandwidth to get x and y done, but instead of saying something, you get to working on x, y, and z. By the end of the day, you get the job done and feel accomplished, but how do you feel about your supervisor at this point? Do you go home and decide to talk to a friend, and begin to start talking “smack” about that supervisor for making you do x, y, and z? Do you talk about how tired you are feeling? Do you get a little angry about having to put in more work than other people at work? I would bet that at least one of those applies to you in this situation. Here is where I am going to challenge you. Why are you mad? Why did you talk “smack?” Why did you not reserve some of your energy? Why didn’t you approach your supervisor about your mental bandwidth abilities for that day? As women, we are so ready to PROVE ourselves to others at the EXPENSE of self. And we do this in more ways than one. How many times have you said yes to your mother, but really didn’t want to do what was asked of you, but you did it anyway just to PLEASE your mother, because, well, she is your mother. Let’s face it, ladies. We are more accepting of women crossing boundaries with us based on the status of that woman in our lives than we are of anyone else. So let’s unpack this a bit. First, we need to understand when our boundaries are being crossed by anyone, including those closest to us. This is hard. We don’t want to think our how our loved ones cross our boundaries, until we are mad at them too. Why is it that anger only prompts us to know that a boundary is being crossed? From what I have learned about trauma, it is a body response to alert us that something is wrong. When you feel yourself getting upset, no matter the individual that has upset you, and no matter the relation to you, ask yourself has a boundary been crossed? What is the boundary? Could you have changed the outcome by changing how you responded to that individual? Second, we need to be honest with ourselves and others instead of trying to prove yourself. The constant need to prove yourself is a trauma response. What do I mean? If you constantly feel like you need to prove yourself to others, is there something unresolved in your life that you need to evaluate? Has someone been disappointed in you, and now you feel the need to never feel that way again? Self-Evaluation is key here. Lastly, Communicate what you need in all situations. Pay attention to what I said here: Communicate what you NEED in ALL situations. This does require an understanding of what you need verses what you want, and proper communication skills, but that is a different blog post. For now, being able to communicate with your supervisor is vital. Whether you work at a fast food establishment or in a corporate office, this concept applies. I can remember, back when I worked at a Sonic Drive In. I was a junior in high school, thought that I knew everything, and that I was the best and hardest worker around. I had so much to learn. There was an instance where my supervisor at the time was just sitting at the desk, we had an inspection to clean up for, and we were short staffed. Because I had been there working the longest and I knew what to do, I was asked to help clean up instead of work outside for tips that day. I was hot! I wanted to work outside and get my tips. The company needed me to work inside and clean. The more I cleaned up and the more I saw others take out orders and come in with money, it made me more and more angry. By the time it was night, I my anger hit an all time high, and I blew up. I can remember cursing out my supervisor, throwing the cleaning rag, and storming out of the establishment, quitting that night, because I wasn’t doing one more thing for that company. Now, y’all, I can admit it now, but I was wrong as hell! I have laughed with old coworkers about this story over the years often. As I reflect on it now, I realize that I didn’t communicate my boundaries. I could have requested to work at least a couple of hours outside, and a couple of hours inside to clean, and I would help train the new staff on cleaning procedures, so that I am not doing all on my own. Now, there is no guarantee that communicating effectively was going to get me what I wanted in that instance, but what I needed was to at least be heard. I wanted to be heard, but didn’t talk. I could say that I needed tips to survive, but in reality, I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, an education, and food to eat so I really didn’t need the money, I just wanted it. I really didn’t need to get tips, I just preferred making money over cleaning inside all day. I obviously don’t enjoy cleaning (still don’t), but it is a necessary part of life. My boundary wasn’t about the money, my boundary was that I wasn’t heard. I wasn’t given an opportunity to choose what I wanted to do that day at work. Even then, I longed for the flexibility of working for myself. I bet you have an example too of a work boundary being crossed, that you didn’t even realize was a boundary until you thought of it just now. Tell me about it in the comments. So just a quick recap: 1. Don’t allow the status of your relationship with anyone impact how you understand when a boundary is being crossed. 2. SELF-EVALUATE. Ask yourself important questions about your boundaries, what you allow and don’t allow, and even if you are trying to prove something, ask yourself why? WHY is an important question (that is why kids ask it so much). 3. Communicate your NEEDS in ALL situations. While I presented these concepts easy enough, it doesn’t mean that they are easy to put into practice. This is what a Trauma Recovery Coach can help you do! Begin to help you ask the right questions, understand your responses, and help guide you in getting to the goals that you want to accomplish in your life! Talk to you soon!