Expectations

Something that has been coming up a lot for me recently so I decided to talk about it here: Expectations. If you have ever read any of my other blog posts you know that words matter to me, so I often will look up the definition of a word before I proceed. In using Google to locate the definition of Expectation I found the following: “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.” They also stated that it is a noun (person, place or a thing). Interestingly, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole and looked up the word, “Expecting” next. Which meant “looking forward to something happening.” In this stage of my life I help my 8 year old son with his homework and am reminded of grammar rules and how slight changes of the end of a word can change the meaning of that word altogether. I mention this because oftentimes, especially in this day and age, people start to talk like they text or post on social media. Disclaimer, I am not writing this to make a point about grammar, but it fit in this moment.

Generationally, the expectations that we hold about others and what we place on ourselves is vastly different. My mother is in the Baby Boomer generation, I am considered a Millennial but identify more as a Gen X’er, my husband is Gen X, my niece is Gen Z, and my son is Gen Alpha. I say this to point out that I am able to notice the spectrum of differences in expectations depending on the time frame that each is born. My mother’s expectations for others are HIGH. She often will expect others to see a problem and do something about it in real time, instead of waiting or allowing someone else to do it. To her, all you have to do is say that there is an issue and she expects you to pick up and act on the issue she just talked about. Let me give you an example: She will say to a group of people that something needs to be done, such as be present for an event to help at the event, and then get upset when no one shows up to help at the event. Now, she didn’t ask anyone specifically for help, but her expectation is that people will show up for the event and be a helping hand. I have seen this happen many times. When she actually asks people individually, she gets a different result, but she doesn’t feel like she should have to ask. Her expectations are more centered around service. Now, when I think about my myself or my husband, I recognize that I expect someone to ask me if they need me to help them do something, and to recognize that I still have the option to say, “no” to your request. I often realize that I expect others to have respect for each other, strangers or not, and then I get upset when that isn’t the case. My expectations are often centered around values. For my niece, her expectations center around being taken care of. She expects that her basic needs will be met. While my son is still growing, it is hard to determine his expectations on us, but mostly, they also seem self-centered. I question whether that is age for him and his cousin or a part of the times in which they are growing currently. The good news is that our expectations do evolve and change over time. I know that my expectations didn’t always evolve around my values. I remember that there was a stage in my life where I expected loyalty from others. So why did I point all of this out. It is important that we consider our current expectations before we get into our “feelings” about anything. Just today, my husband was playing his PS5 and he kept playing the same part over and over again, despite knowing that he needed my son to be his partner to help him accomplish the level. It frustrated me that he would keep doing something that he knew was futile. I expected him to quit playing and do something that was going to be productive. He didn’t quit until after I expressed my disdain for his actions. Here is my point: my husband didn’t know that I had that expectation until I expressed it. Could I have expressed it better, sure. Did I say the word expectation when I was talking to him about my disdain about his actions, no. Did I realize that I may have hurt his feelings based on my unspoken expectations, yes. Unspoken expectations or even expectations that come out as an argument, do not help. Everyday that we interact with anyone else there are unspoken expectations. Whether we are holding them or the other person is holding them, they exist. Understanding your own expectations is a good first step in helping to not hold others to a standard that they don’t even know exists. Recognize that your expectation of others may be set too high and sometimes too low. When we don’t expect anything from someone they will expect everything from you.

Noticing, Acknowledging, and Managing are all the first three steps in dealing with our emotions. The last step in the process is to review our EXPECTATIONS around those emotions and the connections. So once I have noticed that I am angry, for example, I have to acknowledge that it is actually anger and determine the boundary that was crossed, then I must review the boundary and either set it officially or redraw the boundary. The last step is to review your expectations around your anger. Where you angry at a person because they crossed the boundary? Did they know about it in the first place? If they did, how have you held them accountable for it? What kind of communication took place about your anger, your boundaries, your expectations that this person doesn’t do it again, etc. Just to give an example of how it works. That way, the next time it happens you know how to proceed because you have done your part to handle your own emotional regulation and interpersonal dynamics.