Acknowledging Feelings

Whew! What a year already! It is only month 2 and what a whirlwind it has been so far. I’m not about to make this a political post, so that is all I am going to say about that. Just taking a big deep breath, inhale and exhale, all of it!

As I sit here writing this post, I notice so much about my life right now that I have never noticed in the past. Noticing really is an important first step in the process, but cannot be done by itself. While this is the first step it is often taken for granted. And if not taken for granted the next step is never applied. The next step is Acknowledging what you just noticed. Here is an example: I can notice that whenever I am around a certain person, I feel uncomfortable, and I don’t always feel a sense of safety in their presence. So I notice this uneasiness within myself, what do I do about it. This is where the acknowledgement part comes in. If I don’t accept that I feel unsafe around this person I won’t make any decisions about what I do next with that information. Do I set a boundary with this person? Do I choose to just stay away from them? Acceptance isn’t about the other person, it is more about what you will do next to deal with how you are feeling. No matter who the person is in your life, you can choose how you move next. In my childhood, I was the “watcher/caretaker” for a grown man that was dying of throat cancer. I never liked being around this man, and always felt uneasy around this man, but never felt like I had the agency to speak against him because he meant something to another family member. I wish I knew then, what I know now. I should have spoken up about my uneasy feelings. I assumed that I wouldn’t be listened to and that is a whole different topic, but in my assumption, I continued to around this man (against my will), and then he completely took agency away from me. Then I spent most of my life trying to prove that I had agency over my own body through making decisions that were ultimately harming me instead of healing me. I don’t talk about my sexual trauma a lot because it is wound that I realize is a part of my healing journey in this life. There is no destination when it comes to that trauma. I just continue to learn and notice new things that impact me and now I act accordingly when those impacts occur. Notice that I used the word “impact” instead of “trigger.” I honestly don’t like that word. Whenever I think about it, I think about a gun. I feel like others believe that when they are “triggered” it gives them an excuse to act in a certain way. The reality is that our emotions and feelings can be in control of our brain and allow us to only act in freeze, flight, fight, or fawn modes, but that doesn’t mean we notice that we act maladaptively and just allow ourselves to continue to be wreck-less with our reactions. Once we know better, we have to learn how to do better. If I know that every time I am in a sexual encounter that makes me feel uncomfortable I fawn (do whatever the opposite sex wants me to do) because of my sexual trauma, I have to notice the feeling, accept that I feel this way, manage the feeling so that I can change my brain-based reaction, and recognize my expectations that I have surrounding that particular issue when it arises again. Way back when I noticed, but I could not accept that I was in “fawn” mode. I told myself that I was in control. I convinced myself that I didn’t feel unsafe. I disassociated so much in those situations that I ultimately lost my authentic self. While this is an extreme example. it can apply to the non-extreme as well. And don’t worry, I have done the work and continue to do the work to maintain my authenticity of self every day. In a more every day example, let’s think about this scenario: You start to feel anxious whenever you get a phone call, text message, or DM from a certain person. This isn’t a happy anxiousness, but an annoyed anxiousness, because you know that they will either ask you for something, or ask you to do something, or want to use you to do something for them. We all have someone like this in our lives. While somedays you don’t mind helping or doing or giving of your time, talents, treasure, etc., it is not something that you want to do consistently. You notice these feelings, but you don’t accept them because then you start to feel guilt about not wanting to help this person in your life. Sound familiar? In this situation, you have to notice the anxiousness and the guilt, which is really shame. There is a difference between the two, but this a different blog topic too. You also have to acknowledge both of those feelings too. In your acceptance of the anxiousness, what will you do to change how you feel? And this is where your guilt/shame come in, which you also have to be honest with yourself about. Setting boundaries with people impacts how you feel about those boundaries. Do you feel like you have a sense of obligation? Do you feel like you are letting someone down? Do you feel like the expectations are set, so you can’t change them? While there are a lot of factors in play in this scenario, the one constant is the same. You have to notice, acknowledge, manage, and deal with expectations from you and the other person. Acknowledging is the part where you are honest with yourself. Acknowledging is the part where you have to really evaluate what you are saying to yourself so that you can accept the true feelings. Acknowledging sometimes means unlearning past expectations from others, and understanding how you want to move forward with the new knowledge you have now. Acceptance can be heavy. You don’t accept feelings and emotions like accepting a gift. Acknowledging has a level of intention that most people bypass. When you are working for someone, you want to be acknowledged by your employer for your hard work (if you are a hard worker). And while you may not require acknowledgment it is nice to get, because it can help to motivate you to keep doing a good job. The feeling is similar when you acknowledge your emotions and feelings. Acknowledgment can help motivate you to act in a way that benefits you. When I acknowledge that I am annoyed, acknowledge that I haven’t set boundaries, and acknowledge that I my shame is stopping me from changing my behavior, I am more motivated to manage my behavior in my way that alleviates my anxiousness. A coach can help you work through this process of identifying your emotions and feelings, figuring out what aspects need acknowledging, and strategies to help you act in a way that benefits you the most. Reach out for a free discovery call today!