Mental Spring “Cleaning”

Every year lots of people choose to spring clean their homes, by washing baseboards, dusting around blinds and windows, and essentially doing “deep” cleaning. But what does it mean to spring clean your mind? To spring clean emotionally? I’m sure any therapist would tell you that it means it is time to start therapy, if you haven’t already. That it is time to “let go” of “negative” emotions. But what if I said to you that emotions are not what needs to be cleaned? If you have read any of my previous blog posts you will notice that I say emotions are not good or bad, it is the reaction that go along with them that should be assigned a positive or negative value. Emotions are meant to tell us something important. Take for instance anger. Anger as an emotion is not good or bad, but often the reaction that we put toward anger is the problem. Those reactions end up being yelling, throwing, hitting, and for some crying (just to name a few). Managing anger is a common issue that people go to therapy to handle. There are many therapeutic strategies out there that therapist teach to their clients to help manage their anger. One of the most commons ways that is taught is called CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). In very simplistic terms, it is all about understanding what triggers your anger, and developing a plan for how to cope when triggered. While most people can figure out what triggered them, the hard part comes in with using the coping strategies when they are triggered. Let’s take this example: You went to pick up your take-out, received your food, got home, and the food was terrible. You called to talk to a manager, and the manager was rude, disrespectful, and would not even entertain the idea of giving you money back. The trigger for some people here will be the rude manager, for another person, it will be the waste of money; however, both may react in such a way that proves their anger. Some people will say that a “mature” individual will “get over it,” or “don’t worry about things that they can’t control.” Here is the problem with this thought pattern: Your past trauma is what is impacting the way you react to that situation. Your past experiences in life will dictate that outcome, unless you understand the trauma trigger and deal with that first. Mental Spring “Cleaning” should be more about understanding your behavioral patterns based on your past experiences, and if you still react to similar situations in the same way now. In our example above about the person that is triggered by disrespectful behavior, maybe there is a pattern in their life where they have always responded to disrespect through anger and let’s say cursing at someone else because of that disrespect. This individual needs to think about how that all started in their life. Did they learn that reaction from a parent or guardian, did it start in school from being bullied, etc. It is important to get to the root of it to figure out how to improve your behavior. We are all a work in progress, and that is ok. While anger was an easy example to use, we can utilize this same premise for all emotions that we face. What is our guilt trying to tell us? Is there shame that surrounds our feelings of fear? How does an emotion serve you as an individual? If I have feelings of fear because I know that I am in an unsafe situation then my feelings of fear are serving to protect me; therefore, it is ok to lean into those feelings of fear. But what are you saying to yourself in the midst of that fear? If you are giving yourself negative messages of shame, such as, questioning why you are afraid, and doubting your self-worth because of the fear then that is grounded in trauma, and needs some “deep cleaning,” because that is shame talking. The shame isn’t serving you. Thinking of the messages and behaviors that surround your emotions is way more important than forcing yourself to stop feeling a specific emotion. Feeling emotions is natural. Feeling emotion is a necessary part of life. This type of “deep cleaning” isn’t easy. It forces you to really look in the mirror of your life, and face those things that you may have “stuffed” away. The good thing is that you don’t have to recover alone. You can have a therapist and a Trauma Recovery Coach. As a trauma recovery coach, I walk with you in this journey, because I am on the road too. I recognized this past week that in the face of disrespect from others my inner “hulk” wants to be released. Exploring that further, I realized that it wasn’t the words that triggered me, but the way the individual tried to assassinate my character with her words that did it. While I was able to maintain professionalism, I felt the aftereffects in my body. I wasn’t sleeping, my IBS was acting up, and I felt anxiety. I know that I am work in progress, but I have a trauma recovery coach that works beside me, and there is nothing like it. Let me tell you more about it….innerbeauty@dovesinnerbeauty.com.